"As soon as possible” and other things that don’t exist

Yesterday, I drove through the middle of nowhere.

I know this because the sign in the front window of the unmanned gas station said so:

Welcome to the Middle of Nowhere

Another handwritten note on the door said, “Back in a bit.”

Three llamas, two goats, and a camel guarded the opening (not kidding).

The wind was howling.

Tumbleweeds sauntered across the parking lot.

The price of gas was listed as “One Arm,”

and the price of diesel was listed as “One Leg.”

It was a whole thing.

…

Despite the sign, the Middle of Nowhere isn’t a real place.*

Don’t believe me?

Try telling a friend, “Meet me in the middle of nowhere for a drink.”

You wouldn’t.

The middle of nowhere is notional.

…

Also not an actual place, nor an actual time: “as soon as possible.”

As in, “Please get me these documents as soon as possible.”

Please tell me – where on my calendar is as soon as possible?

Which month?

Which day of the week?

Between which numbers on my analog Swatch?

“As soon as possible” is somewhere between the yeti and the end of the rainbow.

Fun to think about, but not helpful when you’re trying to run a calm, organized firm.

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*Wondering where the Middle of Nowhere is?
Sublett, Idaho.